I took this seriously from the start even though she tried to play it off as just an assignment. We began with the topic of "choose a personal issue." Not too difficult for someone with layer upon layer of personal issues. But choosing was harder than I imagined because there are somethings that are just hard to say. Nevertheless, we persevered.
I won't get into details but I quickly learned that there are things buried in us that we don't think are problems. During this little exercise, with eavesdropping lovely college student #2 listening in, I found myself dredging up some stuff that I had allowed to make decisions for me. Big decisions throughout my life that have altered my course. But what I have realized is this:
My choices have taken me to and from places, to and from relationships, and to and from God over and over again. Those choices are mine. No one else is responsible for them. I can only look to myself as the one to blame when the choice was wrong. Some choices had instant consequences while others took time, even years, to play out. And people were hurt, and continue to be hurt, by my choices. Summary: when I choose me, me wins. But only me.
I was taught years ago by my grandfather that Jesus was and is Love because He chose. He chose others. Always. First. With no regard for Himself, even to death. Philippians 2 puts it quite nicely. That's where Granddad pointed me to.
How to resolve my past? How to lay to rest the bad decisions of a lifetime? I can't go back, sadly, and make restitution. What I can do is what God has expected of me all along. That is to strive to be like Him. To choose others first, over and above myself.
Scars happen. But a scar is a healed wound, marked forever as a reminder of a bad choice. When I see the scar on my right wrist, I remember to not run headlong, arm extended into a glass door. When I see my inner scars, I remember to not make the decisions that led to those wounds.
I have decided that regrets are not a bad thing at all. They are reminders, lasting memorials to decisions that were most likely selfish and etched out in me to guide me away from making the same, bad choice again.
This probably doesn't make much sense to any of you but it's a great way to spend an evening with friends. I appreciate lovely college student's interest in my life, and #2's willingness to relate.
