I'm learning again. Seems like I do that alot. And as always, I'm learning from my mistakes, many as they are. I'll spare you the intricacies but suffice it to say that my long, winding, crooked road has been made straight again.
You see, I'm a drifter. Not the Hollywood, Clint Eastwood kind who blows through town and saves the helpless widow from the greedy land-grabber, but a spiritual drifter. Most Christians have guardrails on their road to keep them between the lines, but my road is lined with steep drop-offs and precipices. (I've always wanted to use precipice in a sentence.)
So I drifted away, yet again. I've been kinda fakin' it for the last few months. Attending church, teaching, smiling and praying, but only superficially. Then, I was asked to lead "Downpour." I said yes (because I always seem to say yes), but really wasn't into it. Poor attitude. But my childhood-instilled work ethic convinced me that if I was going to lead this study, I must apply myself wholeheartedly. So I did. I followed the exercises to the letter, made the prescribed prayer times, and read everything the book instructed. Then we got to the sin chapter.
It's called "Sin in the Mirror" for a reason. The daily exercises caused me to look at myself in an honest manner and to give God the freedom to plow through my heart like a John Deere. I prayed the "do the surgery, God, and get it all" prayer and sat back.
Here's a tip: when you ask God to search your heart and remove the things that are roadblocks to Him, don't use the surgery metaphor. God doesn't use anesthetic.
I was confronted with things I knew were there, but wanted to hold onto. And I was shown some new things. I don't mean "new" as in shiny, new, favorite Christmas toy, either. I mean fresh, as in fresh, open, bleeding wound.
But the most intense part was that the study encouraged us to not move straight into the "confess it and move on" stage. We were encouraged to wallow. You won't hear that from Lakewood, folks.
Refer to 2 Corinthians 7:8-11 if you want to read it for yourself. Heartfelt sorrow and grief over our sins is a key part of the process. We need to be made to hate our sins, to be disgusted by them and to feel the full weight of the wrongs we have committed. That won't happen if we hurry and brush them off like a bee that is threatening to sting. We must be stung.
I have to say that I have realized that any Bible study you undertake is only as good as your commitment to it. "Downpour" isn't that different from "Crazy Love" or "Experiencing God" or "Purpose-Driven Mail Delivery Truck." But for me, it felt like a last chance of sorts. I felt like God brought it my way as a final warning that some very old, very deep-rooted things had to go, and go now.
They're going. That's the praise in all of this. I've been delivered of some things. Some of them a decade old, believe it or not. I don't think it's over. That's okay, though, because there are some replacement things that are amazing. I haven't felt this light in a very long time.
So there. Judging by the reaction in our small group, I think I'm the only one who is really feeling this whole downpour thing. I guess that's okay, too. It seems that God brought me to it for this purpose. Who am I to argue with that? A $17.00 book fee is a small price to pay for the renewed presence of God and peace.
Peace out.
